博文
这三篇译稿，那篇好点？
下面这两小段中文选自某公司的策划文案。译稿中的一篇是客户从数十份试译稿中挑出来的，另两份是网上的跟帖。但大多数跟帖的观点是这种形式的文字（尤其第一段）不可译，即使译出来了，讲英语的人也看不明白。
我的观点是：没有不可译的东西；像这类文字，无非是宣传公司如何之好，其中有该公司的企业文化因素。首先应理顺原文的逻辑关系，尽量保留原文的风格，又努力使用简洁、流畅的英语，让说英语的人看得明白。
具体就此三篇译稿，译员如何处理这类文字？商业翻译的优劣又如何判断？
请宋老师和同道中人不吝指教。
1. 原文：
凤凰如水，如水的谦和，有着包容一切利物不争的性格。如水的果敢，有着劈山开石水到成渠的力量。如水的信念，有着不畏险阻奔涌向前的执着。如水般深邃，有着汇聚溪流终成海洋的深广辽阔。
凭借媒体网络化与点位的优势，我们为客户开发出多种媒体运用方式，通过与节日活动联动、同步新闻发布、场内活动场外直播、区域活动全城转播等创新的媒体运用方式，拓展影响空间和宣传效果，帮助客户实现广告效益的最大化。
2. 三篇试译稿
A．
At Metropolis Media, we identify ourselves with water, as we embrace all and never take credit for helping others grow and thrive. Like water, we are defined by overwhelming valor to blaze new trails, by unbending resolve to surge ahead and by open-minded inclusivity to harness synergy.
We set ourselves apart from our industry peers by diversifying the way media is employed and embraced. As one of the cutting-edge media operators, we are well-positioned to expand and extend an outreach drive in a way that secures the best possible results for our clienteles. Of what contributes to where we are today, the empowering multi-dimensional media network we have to offer means that our business partners can build up public recognition amid festive observances, we can make real-time press release possible as events unfold, live broadcasts can be made available to off-site audience and district-based events can be rebroadcast citywide.
B．
Fenghuang embraces a philosophy characterized by water: to be modest and inclusive as water, pursuing benefits not just for ourselves but also for all of our partners; to be ready to take resolute and risky actions, with the strength and perseverance of water that cut paths to the seas through rocks and mountains; to be firm in belief as water, not to be stopped by any obstacle standing in our way; and to keep open our mind to all ideas and opinions as the seas embrace streams and rivers.
By virtue of media network and the advantage of our media positions, we provide our clients with a wide range of solutions, including such innovative media-utilizing ways as promotion campaigns combined with festival celebration, news conference concurrent to ongoing events, live broadcast of on-site events to wider audience, and citywide rebroadcast of events that are confined to a limited area. Thus, we can achieve the best possible publicity results both in breadth of audience and in effectiveness, and maximize our clients’ benefits from advertisements.
C.
As modest and gentle as water, Phoenix Metropolis Media has the character of tolerating everything and benefitting all without scramble; as courageous and resolute as water, it has the strength of cracking all kinds of hard nuts; as persistent as water, it marches forward for its belief, defying all dangers and difficulties; as profound as water, it has the aspiration of converging streams into an ocean.
By means of the networked media and our advantageous position, we have developed for our clients diversified media utilization methods to expand the space of impact and the effect of publicity in order to assist clients maximize the ads’ effectiveness through the following innovative ways: linkage with festival events, synchronized press release, off-site live telecast of the event, and relaying a regional activity in the city.
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发表评论 评论 (3 个评论)
- 回复 宋德利
To: 宋德利 你曾经说:
凤凰儿子，哈哈，电脑打字的联想太怪异了。应是“凤凰二字”。
哈哈，你将了我一军。我对这方面的翻译很外行，几乎没有做过，因此很难评判谁好谁差。总体都是很不错的。如果你让我说说感觉，也只是个别地方。我的感觉是，包括原拟稿人，一共四位，似乎第四位，也就是C头脑最清楚。我说这话的凭证只是文章开头的那一句。
原作者的稿件让人看了首先的印象似乎是在宣传凤凰。从头至尾就没有点明这个“凤凰”为何物。是人，是机构？这是败笔的地方。原文作者的缺陷放在一边。下面谈译者。第
- 回复 宋德利
- 哈哈，你将了我一军。我对这方面的翻译很外行，几乎没有做过，因此很难评判谁好谁差。总体都是很不错的。如果你让我说说感觉，也只是个别地方。我的感觉是，包括原拟稿人，一共四位，似乎第四位，也就是C头脑最清楚。我说这话的凭证只是文章开头的那一句。
原作者的稿件让人看了首先的印象似乎是在宣传凤凰。从头至尾就没有点明这个“凤凰”为何物。是人，是机构？这是败笔的地方。原文作者的缺陷放在一边。下面谈译者。第一位，没有把凤凰翻译出来，不忠实原文。这个凤凰儿子极其重要，是全文的眼珠。是灵魂。是主体。文章多长多短，说的就是凤凰，只字不提，是不可以的。第二位，提到了。但和原作者犯了同一毛病。凤凰是什么啊。而且还用的汉语拼音，中国人能明白，外国人那里知道是什么啊。第三位译者，他忠实原文，把凤凰如实地用美国人也明白的Phoenix 翻译出来了。这是他其他两位译者强的一点。此外，他不仅比其他译者强，还比原作者高明。他看出了原作者的缺陷，于是他给弥补了。因为他把凤凰的实质翻译出来了，即，Phoenix Metropolis Media，无论中国人外国人，一目了然，凤凰原来是个媒体名称。那么再说它像什么都顺理成章了。原文写作的手法是类比法，而且是以此类推的类比法，先像凤凰，凤凰再像水。其实说凤凰像水，很牵强，在中国人看来都如此，何况外国人了。说到此处，第三位译者就更高明了。他避开凤凰像水，而直接说凤凰传媒机构的特点像水。这就没有问题了。综上所述，好的翻译能帮助原作发现缺陷，并能采取方法弥补缺陷。因此好的译文有时要超过原文。笔译如此，口译又何尝不是如此呢。好的译员能起到把关作用。而其译员就应该有这个责任。我也做过口译，就遇到过这类问题。因此才有这种想法。好了。这就是我的粗略看法。仅供参考。
宋德利
