Habit 5 Seek First to Understand, Then to Be   Understood

Habit 5 is about the “action” needed for the Public Victory.

This Habit has 2 parts:

                  1. Seek First to Understand,

                  2. Then to Be Understood.

. A Mediocre Manager holds the Paradigm:

I listen so that I can give my opinion. I am a problem solver.

Nore: In this paradigm, we are thinking of our response as we listen to others instead of really trying to understand the other person.

. An Effective Manager holds the Paradigm:

I listen so that I can understand the other person. I take the time to understand the real issues so that I can give effective feedback.

Note: In this paradigm, we are setting aside our opinions so that we can really hear and feel what is being said.

Manager is paid to solve problems and make decisions: that’s why we have such a tendency to rush in, to fix things. But, we often fail to take the time to diagnose---to really, deeply understand the problem first. The highly effective Manager seeks first to understand, then to be understood.

Empathetic Listening

One of the biggest mistakes we when listening to others is using our own experiences and opinions as a way to communicate. This is called “responding from our own autobiographies.”

Instead of listening and responding based on our own point of view, we should practice empathic listening.

Empathic Listening is:

. Saying what a person feels and says in your own words. IT IS NOT: giving advice, solving a problem, fixing, changing, judging, agreeing, questioning or analyzing.

The key to empathic listening is being SINCERE in wanting to listen to the feelings, needs, ect. of the other person. To listen empathically means to listen with your HEART!

Empathetic listening should be used when:

. There is a lot of emotion

 You want to get the “real” issue

. You don’t understand

. The other person does not feel that you understand

Do’s and Don’ts of Empathic Listening

Do

. Reflect Content: put the meaning of the person’s words in your own words. “So you’re saying…”

. Reflect Feeling: Concentrate and rephrase how the person is feeling: “ You’re frustrated about…”

Don’t

 . Judge: Agree or disagree with how the person is feeling.

                         “I agree with you.”

. Probe: Ask questions from your point of view.

                         “So you want to quit, is that it?”

. Advise: Give solutions. “If I were you, I would…”

“When I ask you to listen and you start giving advice, you have not done what I have asked. When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings. When I ask you to listen and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as that may seem. Listen! All I ask is that you listen; not talk or do--- just hear me”. ----Ralph Roughton, M. D.

Speaking Empathetically:

Helpful Language to Get You Started:

As I get it, you feel…

So as you see it…

You seem…

You must have felt…

You sound…

What I’m hearing is…

I’m not sure I’m with you, but…

Your feeling now is…

Tips:

Focus on the speaker, not your “correct” response to the speaker.

 If you get stuck, just repeat what the speaker says. If you are sincerely trying to understand, you won’t be perceived as being manipulative.

Don’t be afraid of silence. Sometimes just listening and saying nothing is the best way to get to the heart of an issue.

Taking the time to understand someone can affect your own message. You may change your idea because you have a new understanding about the other person.

The key to being understood is to understand the needs of the other person first. If you incorporate the feelings of the other person into your own message, you will find that you are more likely to get the results that you want.

When you are not getting the results that you want in a conversation, try Empathic Listening. Then say your thoughts based on what is important to the other person.

感悟1：Empathetic Listening 也很适用于同孩子的交流里。但对于中国父母来说是门比较难修的课。