Two guys both work at the same corporation. Both are in middle management. Both are decisive, and both seem confident. But one is an Alpha Male, and the other is a Bully.  

How can you tell the difference? Is it possible you yourself are one or the other and don't even realize it? Why should you even care?  

Well, to be perfectly blunt about it, true Alpha Male guys almost invariably end up with the most desirable women. Women almost always look for Alpha guys for fun and, also, for long-term relationships and even marriage. But a Bully, although he may succeed for a while, will eventually show his true colors, and that gorgeous woman who fell for him initially dumps him and goes off to find a genuine Alpha Male.   

Another reason to pay attention: Alpha Males are true leaders. Most Bullies are actually cowards hiding behind an aggressive facade. An Alpha Male is a problem solver. A Bully causes the problem. Which one do you think is more likely to get promoted to a higher position at his job?  

For these two reasons alone, it may be worth your while to decide if you are a Bully or an Alpha Male. Let's look at each of them at work:  

Scene One:

At a staff meeting chaired by a Bully, a junior staffer makes a blunder in his presentation. The Bully ridicules him, calls him stupid, tells him loudly he may not be on the team much longer if he doesn't shape up -- all in front of everyone present at the meeting.

The Alpha Male calmly corrects his factual error, moves on, takes him aside later and explains in detail where exactly the staffer went wrong, how to fix the problem for future, and answers his questions about how to do his job better.

What's the difference?

The Bully always seeks the limelight. He tries to dominate every scene and uses abusive, loud language and aggressive body language to intimidate.  

The Alpha Male looks at the job at hand and takes the most direct route to getting it done while always being respectful. Self-image doesn't cross his mind.    

Scene Two:

A few guys get together for lunch. The Bully does most of the talking.

The Alpha Male mostly listens and keeps his own counsel.

What's the difference?

For The Bully, it's all about himself and his successes because he cares desperately about whether he is impressing people. He is always worrying about his image.

Alphas don't need to impress anyone. It never even occurs to them to do it. 

Scene Three:

As leader of a project team, a Bully dictates his demands, refuses to hear input from team members and threatens dire consequences if his demands are not met. Morale of the team plummets, as guys feel it's a shut-up-and-do-as-you're-told environment.

An Alpha Male leader explains goals, assigns tasks, solicits input from his troops, and leads by example. He assesses the situation and goes directly toward making it happen. Team morale is high, as guys feel they are on a winning team.

What's the difference?

The Bully makes it hard for others to function. Everything a Bully does and says has this question behind it: "What will it do for my image?" Everything else is secondary. Thus, he not only is a pain to work for, but he actually robs the corporation of the full functioning abilities of all the workers he intimidates.

An Alpha Male is a pack builder and natural leader. He leads by example.

What Makes An Alpha Male An Alpha Male?

A scientist trying to understand the neurological processes that made Joe Montana such a legendary player asked, "Do you see the ball, take a step forward and then throw it?"

"No," said Montana. "It's all one thing: see-step-throw. There's no separation. I'm not even aware I'm doing it until after the ball has left my hand."  

All Alpha Males are like this in the way they move through life. They see a situation, make an assessment that is logical and will usually work, based on prior experience -- although this process is often lightning fast -- and act. There is no separation. It's all one seamless action: "see-act-result."  

What Makes A Bully A Bully?

Now consider the other sort of guy. He's also assertive, decisive, direct, not afraid to express himself, and often gets things done on his own terms. He isn't afraid of anyone he goes up against, but he only goes up against someone he knows he can dominate. Is he an Alpha Male?   

The guy just described is often mistaken for an Alpha Male by people who notice his decisiveness and energy. He almost certainly will want to be thought of as an Alpha Male. But this guy is no Alpha Male. He is, instead, a Bully.  

How Do You Know The Difference?

One quick way to test out the difference is to watch what happens when an Alpha Male runs into opposition and when a Bully runs into opposition. The Alpha Male is always (usually coolly) paying attention to what's going on and is alert to ways to make the things happen the way he wants them to. He regards the world as a place he can influence by paying attention and acting whenever he sees opportunity. He does this naturally; it doesn't occur to him that he can fail once he's headed toward his goal. It may take more than one try, but he won't give up until he achieves his goal or else assesses the situation and decides -- himself -- that he needs to change what he's doing in order to achieve what he wants. Then, when he's sure of his course, he'll try again and again until he succeeds. So what happens when he makes a real mistake?  

If he makes a mistake, an Alpha Male takes note of what he should have done, learns what he needs to learn and moves on. Unlike non-Alpha Males, he doesn't go over and over his mistake. Life has endless possibilities for success to an Alpha Male. He loves to win and is good at it. When he screws up, he simply takes note of the lesson to be learned and goes on. While other males -- Bullies, especially, because they care so much about their public image -- keep going over and over their mistake, an Alpha Male never wastes time beating himself up after the fact. 

A Bully, first and foremost, will never (or rarely, and only then by mistake) go up against someone or something bigger and stronger than he is. He's happiest with a soft target (a widow or a child are always a safe choice), and he seeks a large audience.

Bullies are grandstanders. They love to have people see them vanquish the person they are attacking. They are always wondering how they look to other people, but inside their bluster and aggression, they are actually scared. A Bully will shrink in horror before anyone strong enough to actually challenge him.   

Alpha Males are exactly the opposite: they are the least self-aware men in existence, because they do not think about how they appear to anyone else. They don't think about themselves much at all. Their energies are directed toward reading the situation at hand, getting the job (whatever it may be) done and moving on. Their self-confidence stems from this.  

In comparing the animal world to the human world, an Alpha Male wolf and an Alpha Male human are nearly identical in many important ways. Both are true leaders, protective of their pack (girlfriend, teammates and friends, or wife and kids), absolutely loyal, and completely self-confident. They know that they can handle whatever comes their way. They tend to be gifted physically (although not always), and they are often low-key until there is a need for action. They never accept that someone else has the right to rule them (even in the Army, they keep a part of themselves independent). And they are the best leaders of men there are.  

A true Alpha Male is strong, smart and a pack builder. He leads, provides for and protects his pack. And he has fun doing it.

With her husband XY, XX is the author of ALPHA MALE: Who They Are, How They Think, What They Want/How To Attract, Meet, Marry & Train One.